Wednesday, April 17, 2013

How to NOT Date a Single Mom

Since becoming single, I have encountered a strange species; The Desperate Male.

They lurk around grocery store aisles with value packs of Ramen noodles and Rogaine, waiting for the perfect time to pounce.  Usually with some weird comment about how they’ve never seen someone so beautiful buying whole wheat bread.  Umm... thanks?

I have found myself in some exciting situations that I wouldn't normally give much thought, if I wasn't a mother.  The following are phrases you should probably avoid if you’re looking to get with a hot mama.
     1.       “I’m just looking to settle down and find a woman to take care of me.”
·         You’re a grown ass man!  I have to feed, change, and manage to not kill two children each day, get your ass up and make your own damn sandwich!
     2.       “I know we've just met, but I can’t wait to meet your kids.”
·         HA! No!  I haven’t even decided if you’re worthy of a second date, and by the looks of your psycho stache and that van you drove, I don’t even think we’ll get through this appetizer.
     3.       “My dog is my baby, I lovey wovey him so muchy wuchy.”
·         Baby talk?  Please tell me Ashton Kutcher is about to jump out from around the corner and tell me I've been Punked.  I don’t even talk to my 1 year old like that…
     4.       “What hobbies do you have besides your children?”
·         This one cracks me up, and let me tell you why...   My children are NOT by any means a “hobby” of mine.  As a parent (or at least a mother), we agree to put aside all hobbies and enjoyment till our children are old enough to enjoy these things with us.  Depending on the activity, it may be quite some time before we’re allowed to have fun again.  Hi, I’m a mom and I have no life.
     5.       “What do you mean you can’t go out again tonight? I've never been turned down… Don’t expect me to ask you out again!”
·         Cool your jets turbo!  Sorry I hurt your ego dude but I love my kids and I like spending time with them.  I’m not interested in ditching them each night to have a mediocre time with you and your sideburns.
     6.       “Are you paying for this or should I?”
·         Is this your way of “wooing” me? NEXT PLEASE!
     7.       “Your body looks amazing after two kids; I bet your stomach is messed up though.”
·         Why yes it is, thanks for ruining this date by making me self-conscious about it.  Now would you like to hear an awesome story about how the skin on my stomach hangs, my children ruined my belly button, and how I have to tie up my breasts so I don’t trip over them?  No?  Maybe that my daughter was born with forceps and I tore in the process..?  Don’t want to hear about that either?  Didn't think so...

I have come to the conclusion that all men are pigs, but some have better game than others.  And by “game”, I definitely don’t mean Black Ops.

If you’re a guy who comes across a hot mama and is thinking about going on a date, let me tell you this.  You need to seriously consider what might happen if the two of you hit it off.  I know guys don’t like to think far in advance, but if you hit it off with this hot mama, you need to think about the fact that you could play a serious role in her baby’s life.  Does that freak you out?  Then turn the other way!
There is no point in wasting her time just because you want to cross something off your bucket-list.

If the kid thing doesn't freak you out, by all means, approach the MILF!
Reasons to DATE a hot single mama-

     ·         She makes breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day!  The kids have to eat at some point, right?
     ·         She keeps the house clean… she’s a mom, it’s her job!
     ·         She’s obviously not a virgin…
     ·         She knows how to PREVENT children at this point so you don’t have to worry about accident babies.

The list goes on of course.  What can I say, we’re pretty amazing!

Buyers beware: Dating a single mom can be hazardous to your health, but if you play your cards right, it might be worth it in the end. 

Single mama of two pooping machines

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