Friday, April 19, 2013

Spotting the "Perfect" Mom

We've all seen them, we've all despised them… we're probably all friends with one of them.
Have you ever come across the perfect mother?  Face it, we all think we’re exceptionally awesome at being a kick-ass mom but there are some who take it to extremes.

First, let me say this- I’m not great.  I “try” to be a great mom but there’s only so much you can do when you’re tapping an IV of coffee into your arm each morning like morphine.
“Good morning sweetie, if you’d like to live to see tomorrow, you won’t bother mama till she’s on her second pot of coffee.  You know the drill baby girl.”

There are some moms who are able to bounce out of bed in the morning to make fantastic healthy meals with whole wheat bananas, a fresh slice of homemade orange juice, and a tall glass of toast.  They get their planners out and make sure they haven’t double booked play dates while calling other mom friends to discuss matching outfits.  These moms are loaded with supplies and emergency items, all while dressed to impress. 

Not that you didn't already know, but I am NOT that mom.  This morning my daughter had a balanced meal of Cap’n Crunch while wearing the same floating skirt she has worn for the past two days.  Who would've thought it would be so difficult to get a 4 year old out of a zebra print tutu..?
I would love to take my children on play-dates with other moms, but I have yet to come across a mom who thinks it would be fun to start a baby fight club.  First rule of baby fight club; we don’t talk about baby fight club.

As much as I would like to claim to be a health nut in front of other moms, the fact still rings in my ear that I have a hidden stash of stale mini marshmallows in the center console of my car.  I shove handfuls in my mouth when the kids are asleep in the backseat.  I've only been caught once… she didn't like that I wouldn't share.

When I leave the house, I only grab what I see when walking out the door…
My keys- CHECK
My wallet- CHECK
Chapstick, of course- CHECK
iPhone, DUH- CHECK
Oh yeah, the kids.. oops.
I’m not the ideal mom to go out with.  Chances are, I have forgotten all the important items like, extra diapers, snacks, water… common sense.

But fortunately, there’s light at the end of this evil tunnel.  I may not have an extra baggie of cheerios to snack on, but it’s a great form of entertainment to watch that perfect mom’s children scream at her while she tries & fails to discipline in public.

I guess when it comes down to it, I may not be completely prepared or know what I’m doing half the time, but my parents trained me well in matters of the evil eye and I do believe that’s the key to great parenting.

Single mama of two pooping machines

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